Welcome to a new year people! Well, by now it's technically the 2nd day of the new year (12 minutes at the time I'm typing this sentence). Usually people reflect back on their year and write about what they expect the future to be like. I guess I shall partake on that ritual now, seeing as I took a nap at 8 pm and I can't sleep and I have nothing else to do anyways.

This year was filled with so many things, it's really hard to believe that everything only happened in one year. The things that I was going through, the many problems that seem like so long ago... was really only within a year's reach. Things I thought would never be fixed, things that I thought would tear me down... just look at where I am now! I believe that making it through this year has been a testament to God's faithfulness towards me. Granted, I am starting out the new year with a whole new set of problems and concerns. But knowing that he has been faithful to me in the past gives me peace that I will make it through these problems that seem like they would never be solved.

I believe that most of my past year was spent thinking about relationships. Its kinda silly how even now, as a junior in college, I don't necessarily have it right yet. I'm even tempted to say that I'm jealous of the people who are in relationships, whether good or bad, because they have someone. But I think God is teaching me through all this. I need to be patient. I need to listen to him. I need to not rely on my own understanding, but on his. In every way, I want to pursue, but I know that ended up with me being hurt in the past. I'm slowly and painfully learning that God's timing is the best. As Eddie has pointed out to me, I'm still young (contrary to what many certain people think :P). 23 seems to be a magic age, but to each his own. There is no deadline, and as such, I should give it as long as it needs.

It's really hard to break out of the pursuing mentality. When things are close and within reach, it is our instinct to grab. And as such, it is my instinct to continually looking out for a girl to be in a relationship with. I could almost assure you that ever since middle school, there has been some girl that I was interested in and liked and thought about a lot. But all of them has ended up nowhere. I believe that the only time period where I was not actively seeking out or had any genuine interest in a girl would be last summer. I was focused on my studies and focused on myself... in a good way. I sought ways to improve me, and to chase after the "cool guy" image. Haha, I wanted to be this guy who was attractive, confident, and self assured. I started working out in the gym and had my entire semester planned out. I was going to work at my job, saving up for a car (mustang!) while working out every week. I was going to study, do really well in school, become really good at sports, and make lots of friends.

While the idea did and still does sound attractive, I feel like it's forceful. By purposely avoiding any interest in girls, I believe that you are truly limiting yourself. As a guy, I want to operate in a single mindset (or maybe it's just me). I like to be not interested in girls at all, or always interested. But I think the true mindset... as a Christian, would be to continually seeking God and the truth. There are no worries, because everything is already taken care of. In Matthew chapter 6: 25-34, Jesus tells us that there is nothing to worry about. I won't go into much detail, but it's cool to see how God is taking care of everything... even the lilies! All my needs... even my loneliness is taken care of... if only I believe and have faith.

Well, that's all about last year. Oh wow, there is still so much to write about last year too. Perhaps I shall share stories in a later post. And also about my expectations of this year too :P. But... I'm all written/talked out now. Time to do something :)

Hello there

I haven't written in xanga for a while. This tends to be the case as the social communication dynamics of the world change. I remember when xanga was the new in thing and everyone had a xanga and it took some convincing before I signed up for one too. This was...  5 years ago :P.

So I'm taking a bit of time to write down some thoughts. I should be studying for my biology test tomorrow (I still have ppt 5-12 to cover in less that 5 hours :P). But I just realized how much I enjoy rereading things I've written in the past; whether that be journal entries from my personal journal, xanga entries, old facebook wall posts, and email. They bring back to my mind memories of the past, and how I felt back then, my relationships with people, and usually the girl I liked at the time.

I find myself in a totally different place today than I expected to be. It's crazy how much I've changed within the course of a few years. If I looked at who I was many years ago, I would not believe that that was me. If I looked forward many years, I would not believe that that is me. But things change, and I think God leads us down these paths for us to grow and mature. I'm not saying that is the only reason, there are many other reasons why we are where we are today. But the things I've learned and continue to learn always amaze me.

Haha, so, more about the current. I'm not nearly as avid a gamer as I used to be (despite what certain people may think :P). I still remember when all I used to do was play video games. At one point, a lot of conflict with my dad would arise because he would believe that I would grow up to be a nobody who played video games all the time. But I learned and matured, and realized that video games really do not build people up if you're playing for yourself. When I'm dead, how high a level my character is or how rich he is will no longer matter so much. But rather, investing in people and learning about them is way cooler (desptie what certain people may think xD). Haha, but video games can be a source or a way to get to know people better. For instance, Christine is a killer at heart. Beware, my friends... beware.

I'm also in the process of learning a lot about relationships. It seems like that is a pretty big topic for people who are not married, and it definitely seems like married people have it under control. But the truth is, people are constantly learning. I always thought that once a girl told me she likes me, then it would all be good and we would date and life will be merry :). Haha, I sincerely thought that by the time a girl finally tells me she likes me and I felt the same way, that I would have had it all down: this relationship business.

But a wise old man reminded me, or rather, shared with me, that we never really do have it all down. We constantly learn how we relate to the people around us, even to someone as close as our spouse. It gives me comfort knowing that just because I don't have it down, doesnt mean I cannot proceed to entering a relationship. A lot is learned during that time, and that is important. I don't have to know it all, before entering a relationship. I just need the right heart and mind, and things will be made clear :).

Well, it is now time to depart. I hope that whoever reads these words be encouraged in someway, or realize what an idiot I am and say to themselves, "this guy is an idiot". :P haha, maybe when I go back to reread this post many years later, I will be the one telling myself "this guy is an idiot".

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. -Matthew 6:33

Today ended quite horribly.

Sometimes I wonder what is the point of it all. It's so hard to see past this tiny peephole that I'm confined to look through. All the problems that I have, all the good times, the bad times... sometimes I really want to rush through to the end to see how it works out. Then I won't have to think or worry about it because I know how it will work out.

But it reminds me of the story about a boy who was given a magic yarn ball, and if he was bored, he could just pull a bit of string and his life will advance a certain amount of time. Then, he just kept using it, and before he knew it, he was at the end. Then he realized that his entire life was special, and that he should have cherished each moment.

Knowing that, I'm really trying to slow my life down. I'll be honest, a lot of things are starting to pile up on me. All these problems seem to be a burden, and I feel like there is no one else to share them with. I really want to know someone cares...

This week, I was talking with Mike, and he shared with me one of the strongest sense of love I have ever felt. In John 17, Jesus prays to God, and asks that we can see that the love that God had for Jesus is the love that he has for us. When I heard that, I was so amazed! God loves us so much.

That is all. I still have faith...

so give me peace.